This I wrote at the end of February:

So I was on the bus this morning listening to the Beatles, when I had a revelation. Thus emerging this blog:

I think I could use a readjustment. What I've realized is that there are things in life that will just... come to you.
Love is one of them. While love is something that generally comes in a constant stream from friends and family, I've realized that when it comes in terms of romance, it finds you.
Now, how this affects me...
What I need to do is get my life in line. Everything needs to be in line with my friends, family, grades, responsibilities, etc. before love will even think of finding me. I mean, why would something that was meant to happen happen before that? I need to work on just living life right now. There's so much I could be doing to fufill my life that I'm not.
When all my extra-currics slow down, I plan on addressing this. What made me think of this was a note Ryan wrote on facebook. He was talking about balancing our responsibilities on three levels, and I think he's right. I spend way too much time working on helping my smallest circle- those that are closest to me. I need to pay more attention to the expansive world around me. There's so much that I could be doing to help that I'm not. That's why I plan on volunteering, starting in april, at the recycling center and at least one other place. Right now I'm considering Noah's Ark or a homeless shelter or soup kitchen for that.
As for helping on a global scale, that won't be for a while. The most I can do right now is volunteer for the Obama campaign, because God only knows how global that is. But later I plan on joining the peace corps, and I'm sure I'll end up living in another country or working on a global scale. I just really want to help people.
As for right now, I just need to be more thankful for the amazing people I have in my life. They support me probably more than I realize most of the time, and I really should appreciate them more. Shar and Erika yesterday helped me more than I could possibly thank them for, and I realized how much my friends do care. I get by with a little help from my friends. And oh haven't I realized that lately. And boy, do I love them for it.
One thing Ryan said to me the other day as a blog comment kind of stood out to me: "Don't worry, the same thing will happen to all of us. We'll go off to college, meet some amazing people, fall in love, and enjoy life." And I realized that he was right. The only thing high school is worth is for shaping myself to be the person I'll be later in life, and establishing friendships that hopefully will last. Oh, and not to mention getting into college.
I realized (again as I listened to the Beatles) that everything really does happen for a reason. That there's nowhere you can be that isn't where you're meant to be. What is meant to happen will happen. All I should worry about right now is how I can make myself better, and live my life. A relationship will come at the right moment.

Posted at 11:56 PM

This I wrote around Valentine's Day this year.

One thing I have noticed is that all humans have the universal ability to love. And all humans are on a quest to find love, to find acceptance, whether they want to admit it or not.
As I was making my rounds on the internet, I stopped by PostSecret, as it's sunday. Since Valentine's Day happens to be this week, all of the secrets were love-related, and they had an impacting video full of other secrets.
It's surprising and it's not to see the volume of love-related secrets. Being myself, I try not to dwell on romance, and forget that it's such a universal thing. But at the same time, I realize that I am too a victim of this love experience.
God only knows how much I long for somebody that could understand me and accept me as more than a friend. And God only knows that isn't going to happen right now. It seems everyone is moving into this relationship trend right now, and I desperately want to join the bandwagon. How come the one time I want to follow, I have no ability to? As far as I'm concerned, none of the boys want to take a dip in my fountain right now. And I don't know a large enough volume of them to find one that would.
So as I sit here in my longing, I realize that this blog has no point but for me to whine, but I also realize that I should be more grateful. I mean, I'm not living in an area that arranges me into a forced marriage at the age of fourteen, but this freedom is, at the moment, my burden.
I want a boy damnit.
Alas, I'll never find a valentine. How is it that I manage to find boys in the summer, fall and winter, but none of them last through "the holiday"?
Now, I could be whining about how I have a specific boy in mind and am facing a horrendously painful unrequited love situation, but I think that would be a lie. I don't have a boy in mind, and none of them return my love.
I'm not going to pretend that I'm all depressed and about to commit suicide either, because that would be outrageous, and I, too, get very annoyed with persons who do this. I am a very frustrated panda, however.
I know I have to wait. I know someone will come along at the right moment. I know that I shouldn't (and don't) put stock into high school relationships, because all they are is practice for the ones we come across as adults. I know all this, but that doesn't stop me from wishing.

If anyone has decided to read this, I doubt they will have made it to the end, but if they did, props man. I give you props. Obviously you must care somewhat about me as a person, or just have nothing more constructive to do, but either way, I think you should be my best friend if you aren't already.

Oh, and if anyone wants to be my valentine, please, let me know. Even if it's just for a day, let's fall in love.
:)

Posted at 11:55 PM

One thing I find myself noticing every day is that everyone (with few exceptions) is the same. At least, within the teenage populace anyway.
I look around the hallways at Hononegah and see a blur of faces, most of them indistinct from the others. Nothing sets most of these people apart from one another. Their interests, personalities are all so similar.
Yet they all seem to think they're the most unique. It's incredibly ironic. I find myself thinking similarly so often, and that bothers me. I have come to admit that I am no different, but does that admittance make me different? And does my thinking that admittance makes me different make me the same? It's a never-ending paradox. One that I can't seem to escape.
I guess it's all irrelevant.
Since I've noticed this, I've also noticed that I tend to gravitate toward the people who truly are different from the rest. The people that don't fit into the accepted societal stereotypes (even the 'weirdo' and 'nerd' stereotypes). I look at the people I'm closest to, and realize that I am probably close to them because of their differences. Their different perspectives relieve the monotony that would otherwise be my daily life, and make it refreshing to do the otherwise monotonous things I do every day.
And even in blogging about the similarities of the world around me, I can't avoid being similar myself to all the other people writing blogs about everyday life.
Ah, irony and my paradoxical life.

Posted at 11:42 PM

hmm my original goal of keeping up with this didn't work.

but as for that list i made in september, i achieved most of my goals.
i got a job at the shizz plizz.
i had a boyfriend for approximately three months.
i'm doing better in school now i guess.
i got all my license stuff in and got my license.
i made WYSE.
my friends visited me.
i made new friends.
i did a lot.
however, i did not:
lose weight, save money, or make the fall play.

i'll live, i think.
although, losing weight and saving money might be a good idea.

life has been pretty good lately. i've gotten ungrounded, and my bees are starting to come home from kolidge. school is almost out, and i'm ready to be free.

i've been reading a lot lately, and it's making me happy. :)
i recently finished the twilight series, which appealed greatly to my hormones and was a very nice read, in terms of romances. i needed a good romance, and i think that series raised the bar on my male standards, which may or may not be a good thing.
also, i'm rereading the deathly hallows. bri said it was better the second time around, and so far i'd agree. i love my hp.

prom was this past weekend! brittney and i were each other's dates, and we saved each other. i didn't have to go with this creep that asked me, and she didn't have to go with amanda and dalton. :) it worked out well and it was a ton of fun. probably one of the most casual dances i've been to, in terms of the eating at jimmy johns and taking about five pictures. i liked it.

anyways, i believe i have more reading to do.
it's been and nice day, i'd say.

Posted at 9:31 PM